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Thread: Forum story comment thread

  1. #21
    Senior Member 1st Electroshock Session TerryE's Avatar
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    I like "War Wounds", if the focus stays where it is now.

    C'mon Pete, pick a horse and ride.
    "Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt." - Phil Dunphy ("Modern Family"), from Phil's-osophy.

  2. #22
    Senior Member Ok, I really can't come up with anymore of these stupid things... srboone's Avatar
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    I don't know how I feel about the turn the story took... I certainly ddin't see it going that way! But what a ride!
    "I'm a vegan. "

    ---Kirby Bliss Blanton , The Green Inferno (2013)

  3. #23
    Senior Member Ok, I really can't come up with anymore of these stupid things... srboone's Avatar
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    The story's going to go into committee on Monday for rewrites and editing. Be sure to get your final thoughts into the thread. We've already got multiple endings, so give it a shot!
    "I'm a vegan. "

    ---Kirby Bliss Blanton , The Green Inferno (2013)

  4. #24
    Senior Member 2nd Rubber Room Confinement peteOcha's Avatar
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    Can't wait to get to the editing, I think this should turn out quite nicely!

  5. #25
    Senior Member 1st Electroshock Session TerryE's Avatar
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    I know we didn't want to go too long, but the ending came a bit quicker than I expected. Of course, I tend to go long in anything I write.
    "Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt." - Phil Dunphy ("Modern Family"), from Phil's-osophy.

  6. #26
    Senior Member Involuntarily Committed HorrorScribe's Avatar
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    During the re-write, we can always add additional scenes if necessary, especially if it seems like the ending occurs too abruptly. And I just couldn't help to add one final twist to the epilogue. If the consensus is that it's silly or what not, I'm all for deleting it. Just figured I'd add a little something else before the revisions begin.
    "Do or do not. There is no try." - Yoda

  7. #27
    Senior Member Ok, I really can't come up with anymore of these stupid things... srboone's Avatar
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    Add thngs now. The epilogues are pretty much endings anyway. We want this to be a short story not a novel, though.
    "I'm a vegan. "

    ---Kirby Bliss Blanton , The Green Inferno (2013)

  8. #28
    Senior Member 1st Electroshock Session TerryE's Avatar
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    Story notes to ponder during rewrite:

    - We need to pick a tense and stay with it. I prefer past. --committee vote
    - It must be clear that the box the delivery man brings should be large enough to hold a human body (or at least a living torso and head)
    - Something about the deliver man must be disguising Sarge (beard, hat pulled down blocking face, etc - or he physically changes as the events procede)
    - Narrator's first victim is in the box. Do we explain/describe how she's been changed or why she's still alive?? People were pulling in all different directions about the box contents. --committee vote
    - perhaps the day's heat makes him think back to war very briefly at the outset.
    - Motivation. Sarge led the platoon to a slaughter. N. killed Sarge on the battlefield, so Sarge was technically his first victim. Does this matter? Why does N. continue to kill in real world, and why did he stop?
    - Maybe N. was a medic in the service, since he's a doctor now.
    - Do we explain who "They" are, or leave it a mystery?
    - Did Sarge survive the war attack? Ghost? Reanimated? Figment of N.'s guilty imagination/Heat induced hallucination (maybe everything is imagined)?
    - Do we need to mention N.'s other victims or how he went from an operation on the first one to see what was inside, to torture of the others?
    - We definitely need to clean up the ending. After the simultaneous submissions by BW and me there seemed to some overlap & disconnect in the finishing touches.

    As I wrote all this, I've become of the opinion that the whole thing is a heat induced hallucination. N. has tried to quit killing but now discovers the urges just will not go away, and thus the ugly suicide at the end.
    "Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt." - Phil Dunphy ("Modern Family"), from Phil's-osophy.

  9. #29
    Senior Member Ok, I really can't come up with anymore of these stupid things... srboone's Avatar
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    Good points, Terry. But before we begin, do you want to continue this on this thread, or in a private section? I would suggest a private section for the actual rewrite at least. A place where whe could post the sections we write plus a thread for comments on editing. If we do that, we might as well go with it for the intitial commitee discussions as well. But either is fine. Let me know in this thread or by PM.
    Last edited by srboone; 07-16-2012 at 10:44 AM.
    "I'm a vegan. "

    ---Kirby Bliss Blanton , The Green Inferno (2013)

  10. #30
    Senior Member 2nd Rubber Room Confinement peteOcha's Avatar
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    My thoughts would be to keep it all on a different section, might make it easier. I've jotted down some notes as well, so when we decide on where/how to do this I'll throw them in.

  11. #31
    Senior Member Inmate Xiabei's Avatar
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    Cool. Happy to be involved.

  12. #32
    Senior Member 2nd Rubber Room Confinement Teriw's Avatar
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    I know I didnt participate but I like the name Cold Cuts the best of the ones listed. And past Tense as it was originally started. I'd also eliminate the epilogue. No offence to whoever wrote it.

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